LRTurner

Most Reflective Year of my Life (2016 and all the years before it)

Getting personal and what not to do.

So Far

Strange isn’t it. Not being able to remember what happened over the year straight away. It’s like a fog, or a faint memory. You know it happened, but it’s hard to grasp. I was still in college, running head first into the last year of my college career. It goes by so fast, and I forget how rough it was. But then I graduated and now have a job. 

Perhaps I have forgot in the fog just how much has happened in 2016 as I beat myself into the ground. However, reflecting on this year made me reflect on my life so far.

What went wrong

Despite the amount going on in my own life, I beat it into my head that I had to keep drawing keep doing this and that. My new life was starting, I was going to have a job, I was going to have to find a way to make a living doing art, I had to, I had to. 

What I did to myself (Never do this to yourself)

In High School, in college, when your younger, you don’t worry about all these adult things. Art is for fun, art is your passion. However, adulthood falls in like rocks. All before this you focus on bettering your skills, practice, and fun while you’re doing it, now its money, making a living, fear of not being able to follow your passion.

My own worst enemy

I’ve always been like this, I break myself down and tell myself I’m not good enough. It was surprisingly a motivator when I was young. In early middle school, it just used to be for fun. I would make series because it was fun, not because I worried about what others thought. However, I then started to focus on technique and getting better.  Someone says my art is nice it’s alright while others raved over it. I felt that there reaction wasn’t as excited as others because I simply wasn’t good enough yet, I thought it was alright, I’ll just get better. Looking back that is a horrible mindset and not healthy, but I can’t change how I was in the past. However, the fun series, started to stop, I started to restart series over and over because I would improve so quickly and my art before didn’t reflect the way I drew after. It’s because I felt the old art wasn’t good enough, the new art was better, it had to be done in the new art the better art.

 I think I got worse from there, I didn’t stop making series, but I never finished them. I get running like crazy excited with a project, but then it creeps in again. My art wasn’t good enough again, it had to be restarted. The same thing happened with Iron Mahou. A cycle I continue. It’s true its helped push me to get better at art technique wise, but it isn’t the way to do it.

Then life comes, college is about to be over and life is about to hit, and much more negativity comes with it.

“You have to pursue your passion” “You’re not good enough yet” “You won’t be good enough to make a living at this” “You aren’t a motivated enough person” “You don’t finish projects” “You don’t have enough experience in your portfolio” “You’ll give up art when you get a real job” “You’ll be too busy” “You just aren’t good enough” “Focus on your everyday life” “Art is just a hobby”

I’m my own worst enemy. I’ll look at other artists, there work is better than mine. And to me it’s because I’m still not good enough. A thought I can’t ever get rid of. It follows into my series into everything. “You’re not good enough at animating don’t try it anymore” “Your story’s not good enough, no one will like it” “You’re not good enough at backgrounds” “You have to practice more before you can do it” “You know you will just restart it after you get better, just stop now”

2016

Despite how busy and crazy things were I felt, I couldn’t stop. I was a roller coaster of feeling the need to create because I had to on one hand; and on the other wanting to create because I enjoy it. It’s so strange how quickly I jump between the two. One minute I stress over my abilities and lack of exposure like it’s some important thing that if I do actually achieve somehow everything will be ok and the other, I’m patting myself telling myself its ok just enjoy it and really appreciating those who like it too, you got a good job and now you can focus on just enjoying art.

This strange back and forth I feel is why I often go into hiatus, stop projects as quickly as I start and why my art to me seems so back and forth. I bounce from place to place. At the start of this year I was getting back into doing work on tumblr, then I slowed down, and got back to doing commission work on the rpgmaker site, but then I slowed down, tried tumblr again, then restarted my deviantart. But despite all of this wanting to be better, it’s caused me to draw less than I ever have before. I unmotivated myself to do the very thing I enjoy.

Changes for 2017 (A better me)

I’ve taken a hard look in the mirror with this reflection. This is a light version of how I am to myself and how I think. I just felt the need to put my thoughts down and let it out into the world. I’ve done this before, but I often delete the post a few minutes later. I’m two sides of one coin, one minute I tell myself to let it go, I’m fine and troubles just roll off my back, but then I sometimes feel strong fears of peoples thoughts.

I’m not going to just stop and say I don’t care anymore and do what I want. I’m going to take deep breaths and baby steps. My art is my art, and I don’t have to be amazing.

This year I’m going to take someone I admire’s advice, to stop comparing myself to others I believe to be superior to me, and just compare to the me before.  I’ve tried this, and it feels good when I notice I get better, but I always go back to compare.

I’m going to make art this year because it’s what I want to do, because I enjoy it. I’m going to make series because I enjoy it, not because I want to make a product.

Stop worrying about how many people viewed your art, especially when I get so much more enjoyment out of individual people. People, I see coming back to my art several times, people who leave comments or just want to strike up conversation. I’m thankful for those and happy I can even get those.

It’s a sad thing as an adult, it’s hard to think without thinking about money. However, when you get close to knowing you have to soon support yourself, it starts to trump many aspects of your life.

My advice to those, who have yet to get to this point, or who maybe share similar anxieties, don’t be the me of 2016, don’t emotionally hurt yourself, enjoy your art, don’t let it be your passion become you enemy.

2017 New Years Resolution

Love myself

Love my art

Love my life

And stop being so depressing jeez what is wrong with me >_<  yep.